I was fascinated last month when I heard from a teacher that a brief discussion after our broadcast, led numerous students in one homeroom to say that they thought that there was nothing wrong with the social isolation that includes turning friends against one another, spreading rumors, sharing secrets, or name-calling.
Comments from the class were: “It’s no big deal. This happens all the time when you don’t want to be friends with someone anymore….” And, “Why are we talking about this. It’s a good way to let someone know that you don’t want to be friends with them.” So I began to think…. It is very common for friendships to shift in middle school. Students do branch out, and make new friends. You may find yourself no longer sharing common interests or valuing common ideas or beliefs. So how DO you break up with a friend? While socially isolating someone might seem like the best way to let someone know that you don’t want to be friends anymore, I want to remind you how hurtful it is. And that anytime you try to kick someone out of your group or turn others against them, it is, in fact, considered bullying, and it’s mean!
So how DO you move on? Let’s say you no longer want to be friends with someone anymore because you’ve grown apart, your interests have changed, or you no longer share the same values. What do you do?
The first thing, is to be sure of the reasons WHY you want to break up. Ask yourself…is it for a really good reason, or am I just trying to become more “popular?” Then, decide to what extent you want to break up….do you want to go from ‘best friends’ to ‘good friends’ or to ‘acquaintances?’
Your next dilemma with be how to let the friend know? This part’s not easy, and later in life, you will probably have to deal with breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend….
So what’s the best way to do that…..Let’s take a little survey….
Student interviews
Have you ever broken up with a good friend?
How did you do it?
I think that we can all agree that this is a complex, difficult issue, and a really good solution is hard to come by. In fact, in looking for solutions, I was really surprised at how few I was able to find! Here are some that came from a website called Wikihow.com:
Students:
1. Start spending less time with your friend, whether it’s by cutting your conversations a little shorter, or by making yourself less available to hang out.
2. Don’t initiate phone calls; if the person calls you, be polite and keep it brief. Don’t agree to plans or make promises.
3. If this person doesn’t get the hint, talk to him/her about how you feel. Be honest, but be gentle. It’s likely that he/she won’t take it well, but sometimes, the other person knows that things aren’t working out and isn’t all that surprised.
4. The other person may get angry at you for suddenly being so cold or even confront you. Don’t lose your cool. Play it down by saying something like, “I’ve just been really busy lately, I’m sorry.” And then explain that you may have less time for them. If you’re breaking things off due to an attitude problem try something like, “Well, I really loved those times we did “blank,” but I sometimes feel a little suffocated, it’s not really your fault, but it’s our problem. How about we try spending a little less time together for now, and see where we’re at in 6 months?”
5. It’s always good to preface what you have to say with, “I really don’t want to hurt your feelings,” or “This is really hard for me…”
6. If they get angry or try to bad-mouth you, simply cut the lines of communication. If your most sincere efforts to guard their feelings are rewarded with hostility then they are only validating your request to break things off.
7. The most important thing to remember is to BE GENTLE AND BE RESPECTFUL! This is painful stuff for both you AND your friend…..
